Genetic Breakthrough Points to Cure for Apple Users

Redmond, WA /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 31, 1996 -- In a joint press conference today, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT) and Icos Corporation (NASDAQ: ICOS) today announced the discovery of a gene sequence in humans that is commonly present in Apple Macintosh users. "People who have this gene are 96% more likely to buy and use Apple Macintosh products than those who lack the gene," says Microsoft Corporation's Bill Gates, a director and investor in Icos.

"With this discovery, we can isolate at an early age those humans who are most susceptible to the Macintosh Way, and nip them in the bud, so to speak," Gates said, adding, "We also believe this will greatly help productivity in corporations, by preventing the hiring of Mac-susceptible applicants before it's too late."

"Microsoft Corporation plans to begin testing for the gene sequence in school students across the country next year," said Veni Vidivici, head of Genetic Demographics Marketing at Microsoft. Students who are found to have the gene sequence will be added to a top secret list and will be monitored by Microsoft undercover personnel to make sure they're not exposed to Apple products, a spokesman added.

More than 20 million Apple computers have been sold over the past 10 years, Microsoft and Icos claim, and the vast majority of Apple's customers suffer from this so-called "genetic signature."

Microsoft also announced plans to license an anti-Apple vaccine from Icos as soon as it passes FDA certification.

In a related development, Icos and Microsoft also announced an ongoing project to detect what is being termed "the Netscape gene" -- a genetic sequence found, the two companies believe, in buyers and users of Netscape products.

About Icos Corporation

Icos Corporation secretly designs, develops, and markets pharmaceuticals for Microsoft Corporation's use in curbing competition.

About Microsoft Corporation

Founded in 1975, Microsoft Corporation is that freight train you always dreaded in your dreams, and it's a-headed full-speed towards you, your family, your friends, your business, your community, your country, and your planet, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it, so pull out the lawnchair and watch the total domination of the world occur before your very eyes.

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