No Surprises from Independent Survey on Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 Users: More and More Users Give In to MS's Demands

REDMOND, WA /DenounceNewswire/ -- October 19, 1997 -- Microsoft Corp. (Nasdaq:MSFT) today reported tremendous user response to Microsoft(R) Internet Explorer 4.0, citing fear, uncertainty, and doubt as the primary reasons consumers and corporate users are adopting Microsoft's Internet client at a precedented rate.

Propoganda about the product began with preview releases of Internet Explorer 4.0 several months ago. Microsoft today released results from an independent survey of Internet Explorer 4.0 Preview 2 users. This survey, conducted by Borg Market Research Corportation, showed the following results:

  • Ninety-eight percent of users said they 'strongly preferred' using Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 versus having a family member taken away against their will for a year.
  • Ninety-four percent of users said they 'preferred' or 'strongly preferred' wasting valuable time messing with the new Active Channels feature of the broswer to watching videotaped Bill Gates speeches with their eyelids held open for 14-hour stretches.
  • Ninety-three percent said they would recommend Internet Explorer 4.0 to an enemy.
  • Ninety-one percent said they would definitely use the final version if forced to.
  • Over 50 percent used Outlook(TM) Express as their e-mail client two or less times.

Users in the survey attributed their satisfaction to the product's new, innovative features, including True Microsoft Integration, superfluous ease-of-use features and the ever-pesky Outlook Express.

True Microsoft Integration
True Microsoft Integration, which was the overall favorite of users surveyed, weaves the Microsoft Corporate Message into every aspect of the PC -- the desktop, file folders, the network, the Start menu, even users' own personal documents and email -- so users never have to go far to know what Microsoft wants them to think and do next.

Outlook Express
The Outlook Express e-mail client, which automatically uninstalls competitor email products from users' hard disks, makes sending personalized e-mail simple and fun, with features such as a setup wizard that plays a .wav sound file of "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" in the background, and customized stationery options featuring different Microsoft logos and promotional advertisements.

When asked why they preferred Internet Explorer 4.0 to other browsers, many users cited that they weren't aware of other browsers, given that they'd been kept in solitary confinement since 1992.

User Comments Echo Study Results
Microsoft has also received a significant amount of feedback from customers who visited the Microsoft Web site and waited umpteen hours to download the super-bloated multi-terabyte final release of Internet Explorer 4.0.

``This new Web browser is great,'' wrote Bouglas D. Boehm, aged 7, of Wausau, Wis. ``Easy to understand, easy to follow. Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 and Outlook Express are by far the only browsers and e-mail systems that I have ever used.''

``It was well worth the efforts -- Internet Explorer 4.0 is amazing,'' wrote Wofard Mellhan, aged 39, of Boca Raton, Fla. ``Never have I stared at a company logo for more than 19 hours without blinking and then felt euphoric afterwards.'

``I just upgraded to Internet Explorer 4.0: What can I say, except that I am very depressed, and simply hate the browser and the upgraded Windows(R) interface, but I expect I will come to accept it given time and enough Prozac,'' wrote Rharles C. Grero, Fort Myers, Fla.

Microsoft Continues to Enforce Customer Satisfaction
Even with overwhelmingly positive feedback and carefully-manipulated customer demand, Microsoft is continually working to enforce a good experience for users. "We plan to make sure every user is satisfied with Microsoft products, or else," said Bill Gates.

Customer Satisfaction With Internet Explorer 4.0 Parallels Strong User Demand
The reported high customer satisfaction with Internet Explorer 4.0 coincides with unprecedented user demand for the software.

``Users have been downloading Internet Explorer 4.0 at phenomenal rates since its release two weeks ago -- and this customer feedback indicates why demand is continuing,'' said Musuf Yehdi, Minister of Information in the application and Internet client group at Microsoft. ``We're gratified that people continue to think we paid attention to product quality and usability as if these were really important issues at Microsoft."

More than 2 million users downloaded Internet Explorer 4.0 within its first week of availability, despite the fact that the file took each user three weeks to download. Corporate demand is also at record levels, as announced Monday, with more than 2,000 corporations agreeing to licensing the Internet Explorer Administration Kit 4.0 as an alternative to facing spam mail from Microsoft for the next ten years. In addition, Microsoft Internet Explorer 4.0 has received critical acclaim and recommendations from several leading industry publications, including the Microsoft Journal, Slate, and PC Magazine.

About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft is only software company left as of yesterday. All others have been either destroyed or forced to be acquired or be liquidated. The company forces people to use a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for the company's chairman to accumulate unimaginable wealth and power.

NOTE: Microsoft, Outlook, Windows and Windows NT are either registered trademarks or trademarks of Microsoft Corp. in the United States and/or other countries. Even if they are not trademarks other companies should think twice about even thinking of using one of the marks.

This is satire, in case you were wondering. Copyright © 1997 Birdrock Media Corporation. All Rights Reserved.
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