September 29, 1998
Yahoo! Acquires SkeletOnline
Internet's Largest Online Skeleton-in-a-Closet Search Engine and Directory Service
COSTA LOTTA, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 29, 1998 -- Yahoo! Inc. today announced it has signed a definitive agreement to acquire SkeletOnline, Inc. a privately held, online communications and directory company. SkeletOnline is the creator of several directory services, including personal secrets, classified government documents, and insider corporate information, along with Internet-based communications services such as net-phone eavesdropping software tools and SnoopMail, a free Web-based service. Yahoo! also announced that effective immediately, well, actually, effective tomorrow, which is immediately in Australia since it is already tomorrow there, the SkeletOnline.com website will be renamed "Yahoo! Secrets" and will be accessible at secrets.yahoo.com.
Under the terms of the acquisition agreement, Yahoo! will issue 12,351,002 shares of Yahoo! common stock for all outstanding SkeletOnline shares, options and warrants. While that number of shares is worth $1,614,905,017.50 based on a $130.75 Yahoo! share price, the transaction will be accounted for as a mere blip on Yahoo's books. In fact, Yahoo's accountants aren't sure it will be worth even noting except in, perhaps, a footnote printed in 5-point font in a future annual report, which year having not yet been determined. More likely, Yahoo admits, the accountants, shareholders, board of directors, and media will have all forgotten about it by then, since the transaction is so small compared to others Yahoo! has been involved with, and since no acquisition, however big, expensive, or ludicrous, seems to affect Yahoo's dizzying, ridiculously-overbought stock price.
Yahoo! expects to record a one-time charge of approximately $425 million in the fourth fiscal quarter of 1998 relating to expenses incurred in connection with the transaction. The acquisition, which is subject to a number of conditions, is expected to be completed in the fourth quarter, assuming certain conditions are met, all of which are expected to be met in the fourth quarter, barring any adverse circumstances, which are not expected to take place -- at least not in the fourth quarter -- which just so happens to be when the transaction is expected to close, assuming no unforseen events occur -- and they're not expected to --- and, of course, subject to a number of conditions which are outlined in the agreement which is expected, coincidentally, to be finalized in the fourth quarter.
SkeletOnline was founded in 1995 by Mortimer Shawcren and Philip Sonsimp, who created directories for people to find out what other people were hiding. "We've always been naturally curious, and we were pleased to discover that millions of other people were curious as well," said Shawcren. SkeletOnline was among the first companies to establish a skeletons-in-the-closet directory, and for more than two years the company has been a leader in providing unique directory services to the growing global Internet community. The company makes money by collecting fees from users who wish to find out about their neighbors, their friends, their spouses, their bosses, their clergy -- anyone -- even themselves. "We have the largest database in the world of personal, corporate, and government secrets. We know everything," claims Sonsimp, a former communications intelligence analyst for a three-letter federal agency. The company also offers matchmaking and friendmaking services, for those users who discover that they have skeletons in the closet that are similar to or the same as other users'. "It's a great way to make friends," claims Shawcren, "or at least share your embarassment with others." Among the site's more notable users are congressional leaders and White House administrative staff members, many of whom have rather eye-opening skeletons in their closets.
"With privacy soon to be a thing of the past, it comes as no surprise that such services as Yahoo! Secrets are becoming available," said Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit.
This announcement does not contain any forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties, including those relating to the company's ability to continue hyping itself ad nauseam. Your mileage may vary. Avoid using in direct sublight. More information about potential factors which could affect the company's financial results may be included in the company's annual report on Form Special-K for the year ended Dec. 31, 1998, including (without limitation, and subject to government approval) under the captions, "Management's Discussion and Analysis of McGwire's Home Runs," "Shoes for Industry," "Concomitant Disenfranchisement" and "Proprietary Freedoms," and the company's quarterly report on Form 10-Q-VRY/MCH for the period ended March 31, 1999, which are on file with the Insecurities Exchange Commission (http://www.iec.guv).
Posted by denounce on September 29, 1998 06:14 PM
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