July 2002

July 25, 2002

National Kidney Foundation Donates Office Space to Macromedia

Ailing Software Firm Gladly Accepts Donation, Citing Savings of $120K in Operating Expenses

San Helifino, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 25 July 2002 -- The National Kidney Foundation (NASDAQ: STNZ) today announced a donation of 5,500 square feet of office space, to beleagured software company Macromedia, Inc. The space, which comprises an entire floor, will be used by Macromedia through 2004. The donation was made through the Foundation's long-standing software-company philanthropy program, aimed at struggling Internet businesses whose golden days are long past.

"With the current economic climate, all high-tech companies are tightening their belts to balance the scope of their product offerings with the availability and interest level of increasingly bored customers," said Betsey Nelson, chief of money at Macromedia. "When we heard that the National Kidney Foundation had spare space, we jumped at the chance to grab it."

The donation also includes chairs, desks, tables, video games, refrigerators full of sugar-flavored carbonated soda and trendy herbal teas, televisions, ping pong tables, a Galaga arcade game, darts and a dart board, couches, bookcases, CD players, a complete sound system, and many other accoutrements designed to further delay the release of software updates.

About Macromedia, Inc.
Macromedia, a once-great software firm, has seen its stock fall to to 1995-levels in recent days after a Nielsen study revealed that 99.29% of all Web users clicked "skip intro" whenever they encountered a Macromedia Flash presentation at a website, and 100% of users quit their browsers when they encountered websites with Flash presentations that lacked the ability to "skip" the intro.

Posted by denounce at 05:36 PM

July 24, 2002

AOL Time Warner Acquires Thaisarco, a Thailand-based Tin Mining Company

AOL Claims Major Synergies Now That AOL Has Become World's Largest Shipper of Tin Products -- Namely, AOL 7.0 Discs

Dulles, VA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 24 July 2002 -- AOL (NYSE: AOL), the world's leading interactive services company, today announced the acquisition of all of the stock and assets of Thaisarco (Thailand Smelting and Refining Company Ltd), Thailand's largest exporter of tin. Thaisarco had been a subsidiary of Preussag AG, an incomprehensibly huge German industrial and tourism conglomerate.

"In the past six months," said AOL Time Warner Chairman Steve Case, "we have become the world's largest buyer of tin, in order to meet the growing needs of manufacturing billions of metal cases that we now ship our free AOL 7.0 CD-ROM discs in. Our goal is to ship one of these cases to every man, woman, child, dog, cat, and goldfish on the planet at least ten times over, within the next two years."

"We were a bit surprised but in the end delighted to do business with America Online," said Dr. Michael Frenzel, Preussag AG executive board chairman. "We welcome AOL to the world of tin smelting and processing."

The Company expects significant synergies and customer-acquistion cost reduction benefits through this acquisition. "This will cut the costs of tin-can CD-ROM manufacturing by at least half," said Case.

About AOL
America Online, a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner, is a beleagured interactive services company whose membership growth rate has all but leveled off, despite the incomprehensible amount of money allocated to acquire new customers.

Posted by denounce at 05:38 PM

July 20, 2002

TiVo Introduces New Model Featuring "BozoFiltering"

Series3 Model Lets Consumers Skip Not Only Commercials But Annoying Talk-Show Personalities As Well

San Jose, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 20 July 2002 -- TiVo (NASDAQ: TIVO), the creator and leader of television services for digital video recording, today announced that the next generation TiVo Series3 product is now available in stores, and features "BozoFiltering" for the first time.

With "BozoFiltering" TiVo users can specify which characters or personalities they would like to ignore and which they want to pay attention to. "For example," says Brodie Yeast, senior general vice chief of TiVo, "if you flip to a channel showing Larry King interviewing some burned-out has-been celebrity you're tired of listening to, with BozoFiltering you can specify that any time that has-been speaks, TiVo should either remove the audio of that person's speaking, or substitute it with something else."

In fact, the substitution capability is possibly the most attractive feature of TiVo's new BozoFilter: with it you can specify whether your favorite music, TV character, animal, or other sound effect should be activated whenever TiVo catches a BozoFiltered person trying to speak. This means that you could have, for example, a pig squeal every time Ann Coulter utters a phrase, or soothing Montavani music playing whenever Jim Cramer opens his mouth.

"One of the most entertaining aspects of the Bozofilter," says Yeast, "is just sitting back and watching it do its thing on a channel like Fox. It's fun for the whole family: a plethora of noises, animal sounds, sirens, oinks, music, snarls, growls, and other sound effects wind up changing the whole viewing experience. Who would have known, prior to TiVo BozoFiltering, that the Fox channel was the funniest thing on the air?"

Parent and Government Controls Included
In addition to the sound substitution capability, the new Tivo Series3 with BozoFiltering includes password-protected Parent Controls enabling parents to determine what programs and characters should be BozoFiltered for their children. Government Controls are also provided, but cannot be disabled by consumers, to ensure that the words "God" or "America" are never BozoFiltered.

About TiVo:
TiVo Inc was founded with a basic, unyielding premise: to create a new, and much better way to determine what people are watching on television. A way that empowers advertisers and caters to their interests and needs like never before. TiVo has pioneered an exciting new category that will forever change the way the world watches the world watch TV.

Posted by denounce at 05:40 PM

July 18, 2002

Mohomine Announces mohoBlog Extractor

New Tool Mines All Blogs, Providing Detailed Demographic Information to Businesses and Government

San Diego, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 18 July 2002 -- Mohomine, a leader in Unstructured Data Management Software (UDMS) technology, today announced the general availability of mohoBlog Extractor v1.0, a tool which scans every "blog" (short for "web log") on the World Wide Web and generates an updated-hourly database containing detailed political, consumer, religious, entertainment, technical, and psychological profiles on the millions of Internet users who create or participate in blogs.

mohoBlog Extractor (mBE) is available in multiple formats:

  • mBE Web: A web-only service, hosted by Mohomine, enabling any business or consumer to access, search, or browse the updated-hourly database of millions of Internet user profiles.
  • mBE Modules: A modular solution that enables government agencies or businesses to quickly and seamlessly integrate mBE into any enterprise application, including law enforcement, political lean assessment, intelligence gathering, advertising targeting, and market research.
  • mBE Mobile: The wireless solution for the busy spy, market researcher, corporate snoop, or nosy neighbor. Use your cell phone, PDA, or laptop to search and browse the complete mBE database.

"We are excited by the possibilities mohoBlog Extractor presents to us," said John Ashcroft, Attorney General of the United States. "Bloggers are a pesky bunch who we'll now be able to keep an eye on, thanks to Mohomine."

mohoBlog Extractor is available for Microsoft Windows 2000 Server and can be licensed for use in applications for ASP solutions. Whitepapers and technical specifications are available but require top-secret clearance or a major undisclosed up-front fee.

Pricing was not disclosed because if you have to ask, you obviously can't afford it.

About Mohomine: Founded in 1999 with funding from the Central Intelligence Agency, Mohomine builds tools for spooks and then markets them under the delightfully jargonistic acronym UDMS, or Unstructured Data Management Software.

Posted by denounce at 05:41 PM

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