July 24, 2002

AOL Time Warner Acquires Thaisarco, a Thailand-based Tin Mining Company

AOL Claims Major Synergies Now That AOL Has Become World's Largest Shipper of Tin Products -- Namely, AOL 7.0 Discs

Dulles, VA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 24 July 2002 -- AOL (NYSE: AOL), the world's leading interactive services company, today announced the acquisition of all of the stock and assets of Thaisarco (Thailand Smelting and Refining Company Ltd), Thailand's largest exporter of tin. Thaisarco had been a subsidiary of Preussag AG, an incomprehensibly huge German industrial and tourism conglomerate.

"In the past six months," said AOL Time Warner Chairman Steve Case, "we have become the world's largest buyer of tin, in order to meet the growing needs of manufacturing billions of metal cases that we now ship our free AOL 7.0 CD-ROM discs in. Our goal is to ship one of these cases to every man, woman, child, dog, cat, and goldfish on the planet at least ten times over, within the next two years."

"We were a bit surprised but in the end delighted to do business with America Online," said Dr. Michael Frenzel, Preussag AG executive board chairman. "We welcome AOL to the world of tin smelting and processing."

The Company expects significant synergies and customer-acquistion cost reduction benefits through this acquisition. "This will cut the costs of tin-can CD-ROM manufacturing by at least half," said Case.

About AOL
America Online, a subsidiary of AOL Time Warner, is a beleagured interactive services company whose membership growth rate has all but leveled off, despite the incomprehensible amount of money allocated to acquire new customers.

Posted by denounce on July 24, 2002 05:38 PM

Copyright © 1996-2006 Birdrock Ventures. All rights reserved. No redistribution or copying without written permission from Birdrock Ventures. Denounce is a satire website specializing in false press releases that are meant to neither inform nor educate. If it makes you smile and think, we've done our job. Your mileage may vary. Do not read while operating a vehicle. Denounce, Denounce.com, Denounce Newswire, and "All the News That Never Happened" are trademarks of Birdrock Ventures.

Recognized around the world as the best source for completely fictional news and information.

When you're not looking for a reliable, accurate site for industry news, there's only one place to go: Denounce.

All fake. All the time.

About Us | Jobs |


Recent Entries