September 29, 1998
Yahoo! Acquires SkeletOnline
Internet's Largest Online Skeleton-in-a-Closet Search Engine and Directory Service
COSTA LOTTA, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 29, 1998 -- Yahoo! Inc. today announced it has signed a definitive agreement to acquire SkeletOnline, Inc. a privately held, online communications and directory company. SkeletOnline is the creator of several directory services, including personal secrets, classified government documents, and insider corporate information, along with Internet-based communications services such as net-phone eavesdropping software tools and SnoopMail, a free Web-based service. Yahoo! also announced that effective immediately, well, actually, effective tomorrow, which is immediately in Australia since it is already tomorrow there, the SkeletOnline.com website will be renamed "Yahoo! Secrets" and will be accessible at secrets.yahoo.com.
Under the terms of the acquisition agreement, Yahoo! will issue 12,351,002 shares of Yahoo! common stock for all outstanding SkeletOnline shares, options and warrants. While that number of shares is worth $1,614,905,017.50 based on a $130.75 Yahoo! share price, the transaction will be accounted for as a mere blip on Yahoo's books. In fact, Yahoo's accountants aren't sure it will be worth even noting except in, perhaps, a footnote printed in 5-point font in a future annual report, which year having not yet been determined. More likely, Yahoo admits, the accountants, shareholders, board of directors, and media will have all forgotten about it by then, since the transaction is so small compared to others Yahoo! has been involved with, and since no acquisition, however big, expensive, or ludicrous, seems to affect Yahoo's dizzying, ridiculously-overbought stock price.
Yahoo! expects to record a one-time charge of approximately $425 million in the fourth fiscal quarter of 1998 relating to expenses incurred in connection with the transaction. The acquisition, which is subject to a number of conditions, is expected to be completed in the fourth quarter, assuming certain conditions are met, all of which are expected to be met in the fourth quarter, barring any adverse circumstances, which are not expected to take place -- at least not in the fourth quarter -- which just so happens to be when the transaction is expected to close, assuming no unforseen events occur -- and they're not expected to --- and, of course, subject to a number of conditions which are outlined in the agreement which is expected, coincidentally, to be finalized in the fourth quarter.
SkeletOnline was founded in 1995 by Mortimer Shawcren and Philip Sonsimp, who created directories for people to find out what other people were hiding. "We've always been naturally curious, and we were pleased to discover that millions of other people were curious as well," said Shawcren. SkeletOnline was among the first companies to establish a skeletons-in-the-closet directory, and for more than two years the company has been a leader in providing unique directory services to the growing global Internet community. The company makes money by collecting fees from users who wish to find out about their neighbors, their friends, their spouses, their bosses, their clergy -- anyone -- even themselves. "We have the largest database in the world of personal, corporate, and government secrets. We know everything," claims Sonsimp, a former communications intelligence analyst for a three-letter federal agency. The company also offers matchmaking and friendmaking services, for those users who discover that they have skeletons in the closet that are similar to or the same as other users'. "It's a great way to make friends," claims Shawcren, "or at least share your embarassment with others." Among the site's more notable users are congressional leaders and White House administrative staff members, many of whom have rather eye-opening skeletons in their closets.
"With privacy soon to be a thing of the past, it comes as no surprise that such services as Yahoo! Secrets are becoming available," said Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit.
This announcement does not contain any forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties, including those relating to the company's ability to continue hyping itself ad nauseam. Your mileage may vary. Avoid using in direct sublight. More information about potential factors which could affect the company's financial results may be included in the company's annual report on Form Special-K for the year ended Dec. 31, 1998, including (without limitation, and subject to government approval) under the captions, "Management's Discussion and Analysis of McGwire's Home Runs," "Shoes for Industry," "Concomitant Disenfranchisement" and "Proprietary Freedoms," and the company's quarterly report on Form 10-Q-VRY/MCH for the period ended March 31, 1999, which are on file with the Insecurities Exchange Commission (http://www.iec.guv).
Posted by denounce at 06:14 PM
September 23, 1998
Remotech Announces Availability of the HURRICAM
Now Viewers Can Watch -- And Hear -- Hurricanes LIVE, As They Happen
W. FILABUCKET, CONNECTICUT /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 23, 1998 -- Remotech, Inc. today announced the immediate availability of the HURRICAM, a live broadcasting system with remote-controlled video cameras that will give the public a way to view and hear hurricanes live, as they occur.
"This is a historic day," said Cowen T. Morglesthorpe, president and chief executive officer of Remotech. "Just as Hurricane Georges bears down on Cuba and sets aim for the Florida Keys, we will be offering the public a never-before-seen glimpse of what it's like to be right in the path of a fierce hurricane, but all from the comfort and safety of one's home or office."
The HURRICAM network, built at a cost of some $175 million, consists of 250 remote-controlled high-resolution video cameras equipped with high-fidelity stereo microphones, all housed in a hurricane-proof, waterproof shell, which is in turn enclosed in a concrete pillbox bunker. Each of these bunkers were constructed by Remotech at a cost estimated at $62,000. An additional 1024 camera/microphone units are installed in special hurricane buoys located all along the entire U.S. eastern seaboard and gulf coast. All of the units can be aimed up or down, left or right, and are connected via either fiber optic or high-bandwidth wireless connections to a central network hub in Remotech's West Filabucket, CT headquarters.
Viewers can order the HURRICAM network for $19.95 per month from their local cable TV company, or they can use a credit card and watch it through a live SurrealVideo broadcast over Internet, via Remotech's website.
"Consumers have been disappointed by CNN, CBS, ABC, and the rest of the networks for far too long," says Morglesthorpe. "Even the Weather Channel sucks, when it comes to live hurricane coverage. All we see are wimpy reporters talking about what it might be like, from the safety of some backwater town 140 miles away from the action. And the rest of the time they just replay the same old repeating satellite photos, showing the hurricane twirling and moving northwestwards, and then suddenly it's 500 miles southeast, twirling and moving northwestwards again, and so on. I know I'm sick of that. With HURRICAM, that kind of coverage is a thing of the past. Now, the millions of viewers who want, no, need to be there, to see the hurricane, to hear its mighty roar, can do so, through our HURRICAM service. This is beyond entertainment. Truly, just imagine the educational and scientific opportunities!"
"This has got to be most innovative and useful service on the Internet in a long, long time," said Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit. "Finally, something else to be entertained by instead of presidents and their scandals. I'm signing up tonight. Who needs NFL football games! We've got the storm on every TV in the house!"
HURRICAM customers will be able to select from any of the hundreds of live video feeds, and will enjoy crystal-clear Dolby-stereo AC3 5.1 quadropathic sound, thanks to the high quality of the HURRICAM network's high-quality network.
Wall Street reacted favorably to the news, boosting Remotech's stock up 1000% even though the stock isn't even publicly traded. "Our phones are ringing off the walls," said Morglesthorpe, who says would-be investors are begging, pleading, even offering first-borns in exchange for stock.
Posted by denounce at 06:15 PM
September 18, 1998
President Clinton's Video Testimony Available in SurrealVideo
SEATTLE /DenounceNewswire/ -- 18 September 1998 -- In cooperation with ABCNEWS.com, CNN, FoxNews, National Enquirer, Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler, SurrealNetworks, Inc. (Nasdaq: DALI), will provide Internet users with access to President Clinton's videotaped grand jury testimony, to be released by the House Dirty Tricks Committee on Monday. The testimony, which was given over an encrypted fiber-optic video signal last month between the White House and the Starr Chamber, will be available to SurrealPlayer users for free, although free users will only be able to hear testimony (albeit overdubbed in Navajo language) and not see anything onscreen except a Surreal corporate logo and a small animated multimedia promotional messsage, because of the encryption.
In addition, SurrealNetworks will offer the SurrealPlayer Plus, for only $29.99, which will offer full playback with both the Navajo overdub removed and the English-language audio restored, as well as full, high resolution video.
However, only a lucky 4,992 people will be able to view the video testimony when it initially broadcasts because even though SurrealNetworks brags about a "Surreal Broadcast Network", its capacity is puny in comparison to even the puniest television network's, and the 4,993rd person and all subsequent persons will see a "Content Not Available, Try Again Next Year" error message, followed by twenty minutes of "upsell" promotional material that will gently, but firmly, take over the person's computer and prevent them from averting their eyes from the screen during the presentation. "While some users may object to the crass commercialism of our efforts, our shareholders will be happy in the long run," said Maria Meantwell, ironically a former U.S. Congress politician and now General Mangler of the Consumer Products Division of SurrealNetworks.
In addition, SurrealNetworks will offer a PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version of its software for a one-time fee (meaning: you only get to use it once, any subsequent uses require additional payments) of $299.99. "The PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version of the software will connect users directly into the Surreal Broadcast Network Plus (SBN+), which supports an additional one million simultaneous user capacity," said Hatt Mulett, product manager for Surreal's PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version and an all-around great guy.
Stock of SurrealNetworks went through the roof on the announcement, soaring to a new high. "We expect roof repairs to be completed in time for the broadcast on Monday," said Rollip Snowsdale, yet another SurrealNetworks Vice President, who, unbeknownst to most of his co-workers, learned everything he knows from a used-car salesman.
SurrealAudio, SurrealVideo, SurrealChannels, Surreal Broadcast Network, SurrealPlayer, and PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus are not trademarks nor registered trademarks of SurrealNetworks, Inc. Go ahead and use them. All other companies or products listed herein are mistakes; there shouldn't be any other trademarks or registered trademarks in here because this is our press release thank you.
Posted by denounce at 06:18 PM
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