SEATTLE /DenounceNewswire/ -- 18 September 1998 -- In cooperation with ABCNEWS.com, CNN, FoxNews, National Enquirer, Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler, SurrealNetworks, Inc. (Nasdaq: DALI), will provide Internet users with access to President Clinton's videotaped grand jury testimony, to be released by the House Dirty Tricks Committee on Monday. The testimony, which was given over an encrypted fiber-optic video signal last month between the White House and the Starr Chamber, will be available to SurrealPlayer users for free, although free users will only be able to hear testimony (albeit overdubbed in Navajo language) and not see anything onscreen except a Surreal corporate logo and a small animated multimedia promotional messsage, because of the encryption.

In addition, SurrealNetworks will offer the SurrealPlayer Plus, for only $29.99, which will offer full playback with both the Navajo overdub removed and the English-language audio restored, as well as full, high resolution video.

However, only a lucky 4,992 people will be able to view the video testimony when it initially broadcasts because even though SurrealNetworks brags about a "Surreal Broadcast Network", its capacity is puny in comparison to even the puniest television network's, and the 4,993rd person and all subsequent persons will see a "Content Not Available, Try Again Next Year" error message, followed by twenty minutes of "upsell" promotional material that will gently, but firmly, take over the person's computer and prevent them from averting their eyes from the screen during the presentation. "While some users may object to the crass commercialism of our efforts, our shareholders will be happy in the long run," said Maria Meantwell, ironically a former U.S. Congress politician and now General Mangler of the Consumer Products Division of SurrealNetworks.

In addition, SurrealNetworks will offer a PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version of its software for a one-time fee (meaning: you only get to use it once, any subsequent uses require additional payments) of $299.99. "The PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version of the software will connect users directly into the Surreal Broadcast Network Plus (SBN+), which supports an additional one million simultaneous user capacity," said Hatt Mulett, product manager for Surreal's PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus version and an all-around great guy.

Stock of SurrealNetworks went through the roof on the announcement, soaring to a new high. "We expect roof repairs to be completed in time for the broadcast on Monday," said Rollip Snowsdale, yet another SurrealNetworks Vice President, who, unbeknownst to most of his co-workers, learned everything he knows from a used-car salesman.

About SurrealNetworks
SurealNetworks, (Nasdaq: DALI), based somewhere in Seattle, WA, is the promoted leader in the screaming media market. It develops and hypes software products and services designed to make users of personal computers and other consumer electronic devices think that they can send and receive audio, video and other multimedia services using the Web. The company is ruled by Gob Razor, a former Borg who, like Bill Gates, is now a filthy rich mogul and co-owner of a losing national sports team. SurrealNetworks cannot be found on the World Wide Web at http://www.surreal.com.

SurrealAudio, SurrealVideo, SurrealChannels, Surreal Broadcast Network, SurrealPlayer, and PremierPrestoPopSuperPlayerPlus are not trademarks nor registered trademarks of SurrealNetworks, Inc. Go ahead and use them. All other companies or products listed herein are mistakes; there shouldn't be any other trademarks or registered trademarks in here because this is our press release thank you.

Posted by denounce on September 18, 1998 06:18 PM