Category: Microsoft

July 15, 2003


Foundation's Mission Is To Continue "Undermining The Efforts" of and Netscape

Redmond, WA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 15 July 2003 -- Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates announced the creation of the "Internet Explorer Foundation", or IEF, a for-profit organization aimed at "undermining the efforts" of the Mozilla Foundation, a non-profit organization coincidentally also founded and announced today. In addition to continuing to strengthen IE's market stranglehold through aggressive marketing and monopolistic practices, the IEF also aims to undertake what it calls "a major study" to document once and for all how the IE product managed to take over Netscape's dominant market position in the Internet browser wars seemingly overnight. "Having such knowledge," says Gates, "will help guide us in future product endeavors."

With a starting funding of $16 billion from Bill Gates, the IEF believes it has enough money to continue operations until the year 2525.

With the IEF announcement coming so shortly after AOL's recent but long-anticipated move to kill further Netscape and Mozilla browser development, Gates expressed thanks to AOL and pledged to "continue AOL's excellent work" at destroying Netscape's and Mozilla's chances of success in the marketplace. "Now that there's a well-funded Foundation to continue to keep an eye on Mozilla," Gates said, "we can rest assured that they'll never again have another chance to threaten Internet Explorer's position."

Posted by denounce at 10:49 PM

July 09, 2003


It's More Valuable Than Microsoft's Own Stock In the Long Run, Says Gates

Redmond, WA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 9 July 2003 -- Microsoft Corp. is overhauling its employee stock option program and instead will issue shares of eBay, Inc. to all of its employees as it acknowledges how the value and lure of its own options have plummeted in recent years. The new program, announced Tuesday, will commence in September.

"We took a long hard look at our industry, our market cap, and the road ahead," says Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates, "and after considering a long list of alternatives, we've decided that the best way to lure new employees and keep our existing employees is to offer them considerable quantities of eBay stock."

eBay, Inc., the San Jose, CA leader in online auctions, has seen its stock double in the past year, to a recent close above $114. Wall Street analysts expect eBay stock to continue to climb for at least the next twenty-five years, at which point it will be more valuable than all other companies combined.

"We're delighted and quite frankly, truly flattered at Microsoft's endorsement of our long-term value," said Meg Whitman, eBay's CEO. "This is yet another strong validation of our strategy, vision, and focus."

For years, Microsoft used stock options to attract bright young people who were not yet savvy enough to understand Microsoft's true nature. By selling their souls to the company, hundreds if not thousands of Microsoft employees became millionaires.

But since the downturn in the stock market three years ago, Microsoft shares have dropped considerably, and the exercise price of stock options is now higher than the actual price of Microsoft stock, rendering the options worthless.

"We originally got the idea to give eBay stock to our employees after we noticed the huge number of employees selling their worthless option certificates on eBay," says Gates. "After speaking with the employees, we learned how much they respected and valued eBay, so one thing led to another and today we're announcing this program."

Whether or not Microsoft will acquire eBay, currently worth over $36 billion, is not known. Microsoft could buy eBay for cash and still have over $10 billion in reserves, Wall Street analysts pointed out.

Posted by denounce at 12:54 PM

Copyright © 1996-2004 Birdrock Ventures. All rights reserved. No redistribution or copying without written permission from Birdrock Ventures. Denounce is a satire website specializing in false press releases that are meant to neither inform nor educate. If it makes you smile and think, we've done our job. Your mileage may vary. Do not read while operating a vehicle. Denounce,, Denounce Newswire, and "All the News That Never Happened" are trademarks of Birdrock Ventures.

Recognized around the world as the best source for completely fictional news and information.

When you're not looking for a reliable, accurate site for industry news, there's only one place to go: Denounce.

All fake. All the time.

About Us | Jobs |


Recent Entries