February 19, 2004
DENOUNCE ADDS 1 BILLION NEW PAGES OF CONTENT
Satire Site Freaks Out Google's AdSense Engine
San Helifino, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 19 February 2004 -- Denounce Newswire announced today it had expanded the breadth of its news coverage by more than one billion items. This innovation represents a challenge to Internet users, as there's no easy way to access the pages.
"People worldwide can find more information with Google than with any other search engine," said Larry Page, Google co-founder and president of Products. What this quote has to do with Denounce, or Denounce's announcement of one billion new pages of content, was not explained, however.
Posted by denounce at 08:32 AM
December 21, 2002
Peter Norton Sues Time Magazine for $50 Million
Claims Cover Photo Infringes on His Trademark
Los Angeles, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- 21 December 2002 -- Peter Norton, famous for his crossed-arms pose and utility software named after him, has announced that he is suing Time magazine for its latest magazine cover, which depicts this year's "Persons of the Year," who happen to be three women who blew the whistle in their organizations and made headlines in 2002.
"I've used this distinctive pose for over twenty years," a spokesman for Mr. Norton said that Mr. Norton said, "and I own the rights to the arms-crossed pose. Nobody in the world is allowed to be photographed that way without paying a fee." Fees begin at $1500 for a black-and-white newspaper photograph used one time, to $1.2 million for actors crossing their arms in movie scenes or television commercials.
"We do not recognize Mr. Norton's claim, and frankly, it's silly," said a spokesman for Steve Case, chairman of the board of AOL Time Warner, Time magazine's parent company.
Since the three people on the cover all are depicted with their arms crossed, Mr. Norton is claiming $10 million per person, plus $20 million in punitive damages.
Norton, whose arms are permanently crossed due to overuse of the pose in photography sessions, claims emotional distress whenever he sees others with their arms crossed.
Posted by denounce at 05:30 PM
December 29, 2000
GRAPHIC APPEARS ON WEB USABILITY GURU'S HOMEPAGE
Colleagues Shocked As Guru Heretofore Considered Graphics a No-No;
Protests Begin in Major Cities Around World
San Helifino, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- December 29, 2000 -- The web world was shocked Friday as word spread that the home page of Jakob Nielsen, a notable web design guru, now contained a graphic image. Nielsen, until today, had a reputation for abhorring the use of graphics on his very popular website, known as www.UseIt.com.
Investigators were called in to verify whether the graphic was indeed the work of Dr. Nielsen, or evil hackers who might have broken into his site to cause shame and damage to his reputation. All indications at this point, however, are that the graphic is the work of Dr. Nielsen himself.
"We are stunned, we feel betrayed," said Tanya Trent, spokesperson for the Save the Bandwidth Society, a San Francisco group most known for its continued promotion of telnet, gopher, and archie, three text-based tools popular before graphical browers came on the scene in the mid 1990s.
Trent's group joined thousands of other protesters in front of city hall in downtown San Francisco, calling for an explanation and apology from Nielsen.
The image, an 80x78 pixel stylized red-and-orange tilted globe, appears halfway down Nielsen's page. Even more shocking, agreed many experts, was that the image was clickable, having a link behind it. The link points to a page that promotes a set of "world tour" conferences Nielsen's company is currently selling.
"It's like hell hath frozen over," continued Trent. "It's bad enough that he's put a graphic on his homepage, but now we find out it's actually a banner ad in disguise, to promote his own commercial enterprise! The nerve!"
"This reminds me of the time Dylan came onstage at Newport with an electric guitar," mused Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit.
Experts fear that Shockwave Flash or Java applets may be the next "heavy bits" that land on Nielsen's page. "Jakob, if you read this, we should talk," said a spokesperson for Concerned Designers for Nielsen, a group of rabid Neilsen supporters based in San Helifino, CA. "We worry that we're going to wake up and hit your homepage only to see the dreaded "Skip Intro" text link as some movie begins."
Nielsen, whose consulting fee begins at $20,000 for four hours of web usability advice for corporate clients, could not be reached for comment, although sources close to Nielsen claim to have spotted him leaving Fry's with a copies of Photoshop, Illustrator, and a graphics tablet, and wearing an evil grin.
Posted by denounce at 05:55 PM
November 04, 2000
MILBERG WEISS RAISES ITS IPO OFFERING PRICE
San Diego, CA /DenounceNewswire/ -- November 4, 2000 -- Milberg Weiss, noted suer of companies, has raised the projected price range for its pending initial public offering to $26 to $28 per share from $9 to $13 per share.
In a filing Friday with the Securities and Exchange Commission (NYSE: SEC), the San Diego-based company said it plans to sell 87 million shares, or 10.2 percent of its 890.8 million outstanding shares. The revised projected IPO price suggests the company would generate proceeds of up to $2.4 billion, giving the firm a market cap of $25 billion on its first day as a public company.
The company, founded in 1972 in the garage of a tenant who the founders evicted, named itself after the German phrase, "Milberg Weiss", meaning "greed is good" in English.
The IPO price hike comes on the heels of a busy year in the "dot com" world, where company after company has seen its market value collapse, only to be pursued by Milberg Weiss class action attack squads.
"So far this year has been our best ever," said a spokesperson for Milberg Weiss, who spoke on strict terms of anonymity. "We're seeing 88% margins, billions in profits, and no end in sight to the wave of internet dot com failures. Whee!"
"The Milberg Weiss strategy stands for all to see and deserves to be rewarded," quips Indu Strypundit, who added, "Not."
About Milberg Weiss
Posted by denounce at 05:57 PM
September 23, 1998
Remotech Announces Availability of the HURRICAM
Now Viewers Can Watch -- And Hear -- Hurricanes LIVE, As They Happen
W. FILABUCKET, CONNECTICUT /DenounceNewswire/ -- September 23, 1998 -- Remotech, Inc. today announced the immediate availability of the HURRICAM, a live broadcasting system with remote-controlled video cameras that will give the public a way to view and hear hurricanes live, as they occur.
"This is a historic day," said Cowen T. Morglesthorpe, president and chief executive officer of Remotech. "Just as Hurricane Georges bears down on Cuba and sets aim for the Florida Keys, we will be offering the public a never-before-seen glimpse of what it's like to be right in the path of a fierce hurricane, but all from the comfort and safety of one's home or office."
The HURRICAM network, built at a cost of some $175 million, consists of 250 remote-controlled high-resolution video cameras equipped with high-fidelity stereo microphones, all housed in a hurricane-proof, waterproof shell, which is in turn enclosed in a concrete pillbox bunker. Each of these bunkers were constructed by Remotech at a cost estimated at $62,000. An additional 1024 camera/microphone units are installed in special hurricane buoys located all along the entire U.S. eastern seaboard and gulf coast. All of the units can be aimed up or down, left or right, and are connected via either fiber optic or high-bandwidth wireless connections to a central network hub in Remotech's West Filabucket, CT headquarters.
Viewers can order the HURRICAM network for $19.95 per month from their local cable TV company, or they can use a credit card and watch it through a live SurrealVideo broadcast over Internet, via Remotech's website.
"Consumers have been disappointed by CNN, CBS, ABC, and the rest of the networks for far too long," says Morglesthorpe. "Even the Weather Channel sucks, when it comes to live hurricane coverage. All we see are wimpy reporters talking about what it might be like, from the safety of some backwater town 140 miles away from the action. And the rest of the time they just replay the same old repeating satellite photos, showing the hurricane twirling and moving northwestwards, and then suddenly it's 500 miles southeast, twirling and moving northwestwards again, and so on. I know I'm sick of that. With HURRICAM, that kind of coverage is a thing of the past. Now, the millions of viewers who want, no, need to be there, to see the hurricane, to hear its mighty roar, can do so, through our HURRICAM service. This is beyond entertainment. Truly, just imagine the educational and scientific opportunities!"
"This has got to be most innovative and useful service on the Internet in a long, long time," said Indu Strypundit, an industry pundit. "Finally, something else to be entertained by instead of presidents and their scandals. I'm signing up tonight. Who needs NFL football games! We've got the storm on every TV in the house!"
HURRICAM customers will be able to select from any of the hundreds of live video feeds, and will enjoy crystal-clear Dolby-stereo AC3 5.1 quadropathic sound, thanks to the high quality of the HURRICAM network's high-quality network.
Wall Street reacted favorably to the news, boosting Remotech's stock up 1000% even though the stock isn't even publicly traded. "Our phones are ringing off the walls," said Morglesthorpe, who says would-be investors are begging, pleading, even offering first-borns in exchange for stock.
Posted by denounce at 06:15 PM
Copyright © 1996-2004 Birdrock Ventures. All rights reserved. No redistribution or copying without written permission from Birdrock Ventures. Denounce is a satire website specializing in false press releases that are meant to neither inform nor educate. If it makes you smile and think, we've done our job. Your mileage may vary. Do not read while operating a vehicle. Denounce, Denounce.com, Denounce Newswire, and "All the News That Never Happened" are trademarks of Birdrock Ventures.
Recognized around the world as the best source for completely fictional news and information.
When you're not looking for a reliable, accurate site for industry news, there's only one place to go: Denounce.
All fake. All the time.